Booger Bending
by MadnessinmyMethod
Summary: For laughs and fun, do click and read my entertaining drabbles. Drabble 5: Dancing With the Avatar Stars. Join the cast as they compete in the world famous dancing competition. What could possibly go wrong? Lots.
1. WellBending

**Hey there. So this is my new drabble series. All of which shall be humorous... or at least I hope so. Enjoy.

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**WELL-BENDING**

_How do I get myself into these messes?_

This was the single thought that ran through Prince Zuko's head. The thought ran through his head on many occasions. Such instances included when he had to suffer through his Uncle's obsessions such as tea and paisho. These were more humorous occasions that at the time were ultimately unbearable, but upon reflection could be told as an amusing anecdote for later circumstances. There were also instances of ultimate pain. Times when he battled others for the same goal, times he had faced off with Zhao or Azula. There were also the times of deep self-loathing when he would think of the Agni Kai and the day he was banished. How did he get himself into those messes?

But today was a particularly uncomfortable day. For in the middle of the night while he roamed across the Earth Kingdom in search of his ultimate prize, he had grown thirsty and in his pursuit of water he had stumbled across a well. But what he had not realized was that he had also stumbled across a prepubescent, blind earthbender with a terrible paranoia who had managed to cause both of them to fall into the well.

And so, now Zuko was trapped, in a dark and incredibly wet well, with a blind and angry earthbender, who did not even have the ability to raise a chunk of earth and get them out of there, for she could not bend earth that she could not feel and the water in the well distorted her senses.

The water was several feet deep so that Zuko was soaked to his chest and the earthbender to her neck, for she was terribly short—an insult Zuko stowed away for later usage.

"This is your fault," the demonic earthbender proclaimed proudly.

"MY FAULT!" Zuko yelled. "How is it MY fault? You knocked us down here!"

"You snuck up on me, you clumsy oaf," she replied.

"And how was I supposed to know that I'd meet the worst earthbender in existence on this suck-ass night?" Zuko countered vehemently.

"I am NOT the worst earthbender in existence; I'm the BEST!"

"Could have fooled me," Zuko muttered. "Who the hell are you anyway?"

"I'm Toph Bei Fong, and any fool with brains knows better to mess with a Bei Fong. Not unless you want us to sue your ass to the Spirit World and back," she said.

"Well, _Toph_, even a privileged little Earth Kingdom girl like you, ought to know not to piss off Fire Nation royalty. I'm Prince Zuko," he said. It was a battle of rank.

"Prince? Ha! You've been banished. You're a traitor, a fugitive. I know my history, Princey."

Zuko frowned so unpleasantly that Toph could surely have known it despite her blindness. "Yeah, well you better figured out a way out of here or you'll end up a pile of ash," he threatened, wondering if threats would have any effect on such a proud girl.

"Ha! I've got to figure a way out of here?" she repeated incredulously. "You really don't know who you're dealing with. I suggest you start thinking of a way out."

"And what can a short little girl who can't bend in the water do to threaten me?" Zuko mocked.

With amazing force, Toph slapped Zuko. The sound echoed magnificently in the cramped well. Zuko sputtered with rage, rubbing at the bright red handprint that materialized just below his scar. Zuko lunged at her, but she could sense the disruption in the water and leaned out of the way so that he crashed into the stone wall of the well.

Toph turned to glare at him harshly. "I am the Avatar's earthbending teacher. I am traveling with some real master warriors. They _will_ come looking for me. They told me about you and how you've been chasing them around the world. You'd better hope that you aren't nearby when they find me."

Zuko swallowed hard. He would never say it out loud but she was right. If she was the Avatar's earthbending teacher then she was probably a master who could destroy him in a matter of seconds. The Avatar himself had completely mastered airbending and was certainly close to mastering waterbending. And if he was beginning earthbending he had a magnificent advantage. Then there were the Water Tribe siblings. That girl, Ka-something or other. She was a master, and her brother despite his rudimentary warrior skills certainly wouldn't give Zuko an advantage. He didn't have any back up. He had abandoned his Uncle a long time ago and his crew had been taken from him even earlier.

It was a fight he could not win. He regarded Toph coldly. "I have no idea how we could possibly get out of here without any help. And you certainly don't seem to be able to bend."

"I could if it weren't for the water. It makes the earth all squishy and I can't see it," she said, her tone much softer now.

"Well, you're blind, aren't you?" Zuko said.

"Idiot," she muttered.

"What was that?"

"Nothing," she replied sweetly. "You see I may be blind, but I can still see."

"And that works how exactly?"

"I can feel the earth around me if it's good and solid. I can tell where things are, if people are coming, what they're doing. But this sandy crap down here is all loose and everything is fuzzy," she said.

Zuko nodded, then remembered she was blind and said, "Oh."

Toph rolled her eyes. "_Oh_, that's all you have to say," she mocked. "Oh?"

"Yeah pretty much," Zuko said smugly, realizing that it infuriated her that he expressed no wonder at her abilities. In truth, he thought it was absolutely amazing.

"Bastard," Toph muttered under her breath, but this time, Zuko caught what she had said.

"Spoiled little midget," he replied.

"Hey, I'm twelve. I'm gonna grow," Toph said indignantly.

"Not fast enough," Zuko said. "Let me guess, you didn't eat your veggies, stunted your growth?"

"Why you—"

"Bastard? Yes, you're running out of insults, Princess."

"Princess?" she echoed.

"Well you seem to think you're royalty," he replied. "Me, I know I'm royalty."

"Then where are your loyal servants, Your Majesty. Why don't you call one of them to get us out of his damned hell-hole?" she mocked ruthlessly. It was unkind, but she reasoned he deserved it.

It took almost all of Zuko's self-control not to want to burn her to a crisp at that very moment. He ignored her. He had no comeback.

"That's right. You aren't better than me," Toph said. "So quit acting like it."

No one would know what Zuko might have done at that moment. He might have gone and said something nasty about her family. He might have chosen to stop controlling himself and burn her to ashes already. He might have paused to give her an emotional speech about his past. Or he might have continued to do absolutely nothing.

There is no use dwelling on what might have happened for there is something that did happen. After Toph's latest and most cruel insult, the two benders heard a curious sound floating down the well shaft. It sounded like the stringed tunes of a well-played pipa, accompanied by a flute and various other instruments. And the two of them swore they could hear a man singing, "Secret tunnel, secret tunnel, secret, secret, secret, secret tunnel!"

Toph and Zuko, forgetting the irrational tension between them joined together to shout as loudly as possible to the tunnel singing, instrument playing people that were obviously walking somewhere near their miserable little well. "HEY DOWN HERE!"

Up on the surface, a man who carried the pipa and had been singing his tunnel song stopped in his tracks and stared at the ordinary well before him. "Oh magic well spirits, do not harm me for I am an innocent traveler," the man said, bowing down before the well.

"We're not well spirits, you idiot! Look in the well!" Toph shouted.

"Oh, yes insult the people who are going to save us," Zuko snarled at her.

The man on the surface poked his head over the well and stared down at the two very wet people at the bottom. "Oh look, well people," he said grinning.

"We aren't well people," Toph said bitterly.

"Can you get us out of here," Zuko interrupted.

"Oh yeah sure," the man said.

He stared at them for a long time.

"Well are you helping us out of here or not?" Zuko asked impatiently.

"Well there's a problem," the man said.

"What do you mean there's a problem?" Toph shrieked.

"I don't have any rope," the man replied.

"Why the hell not?"

The man shrugged. "I never needed any before. You bet I'm gonna start carrying some now though since well people want help out of their wells and such."

"WE'RE NOT WELL PEOPLE?" Toph exploded.

"Do you have anything else that could help us up?" Zuko interrupted again, hoping to all the gods that Toph's behavior would not drive their one chance at salvation away.

The man frowned in thought for a moment and then smiled. "I do."

"Excellent," Zuko said. "What is it?"

"I'll lower down the bucket here," he said pointing to said wooden container that dangled above them. "It's on a rope. You can grab on and I'll hoist you out."

It seemed to take an immeasurably long time for the pipa man to lower his bucket and drag them out. All the while, Toph complained like the harpies that Zuko had been told about in stories. But at last, Zuko was on solid earth again and he could start to feel dry in the now rising sun.

He and Toph regarded each other for a moment. She grinned and then burst out laughing.

"What?" Zuko asked.

"You better get the hell out of here, Princess."

"You're a terrible person," Zuko replied and then trudged away. He wanted to get dry again. He wanted to eat something. And he didn't want to see water, minstrels, and especially not earthbenders for a good long time.


	2. Ozai Hour

**Drabble #2. Strange things happen when you're tired and it's called 'Ozai Hour." This one is quick, but fun nonetheless. Enjoy.

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**OZAI HOUR**

The television was on. The volume was low, but it echoed in the silence of Katara's empty house.

"_There is a time when we grow tired and can no longer pay attention,"_ said a snappy news anchor named Ted. _"At this time, strange things may happen. Shelves fall down, dishes break, and chaos ensues. For years scientists have been unable to explain these bizarre phenomena. Now, with break-through technology, we can begin to delve into the mysteries of what experts now call 'Ozai Hour.'"_

Katara watched the news program rather sleepily. Her fatigue was unsurprising. She had been up since quarter to six that morning and now the digital clock below the screen read 11:33 pm.

"The things they'll put on TV," Katara muttered, but did not change the channel.

"_First,"_ continued Ted, _"we will hear from the victims of Ozai. We have with us tonight, 'The Boulder' who, to preserve his privacy, has not given his real name. Mr. Boulder, tell us what happened to you during 'Ozai Hour.'"_

"_The Boulder was merely tired and watching TV. The Boulder fell asleep and when he woke up, his entire house was destroyed."_

"_We'll now show you some pictures of this terrible devastation." _

Photographs of overturned tables and torched pink curtains filled the screen. 'Pink, huh?' Katara though sleepily. Shards of glass and ceramics were scattered across the room that had clearly been completely torn apart.

"_It is now widely believed by the scientific community that the person responsible for this destruction is a certain Fire Lord Ozai. Police are working around the clock in an attempt to capture Ozai with little luck. If you have seen Ozai call this hotline, which will also be displayed at the bottom of you screen: 1-800-555-OZAI. Do not approach Fire Lord Ozai; he is highly dangerous. And if you are a victim of 'Ozai Hour' call your local police immediately. Now we go to Bob Loblaw for anti-Ozai tips."_

"_Thank you, Ted," said Bob. "Scientists have come up with these tips to help you avoid the tragedies of 'Ozai Hour.' First, fire proof your homes. Fire Lord Ozai likes flammable objects. Second, lock your doors. Simple? Yes, but effective. Third, try not to fall asleep in front of the TV. This is when Ozai will most likely strike. If you are tired, go to bed!_

"_Now insurance agencies are providing Ozai Insurance. Get it now before you fall victim to Ozai. Stay tuned for further stores of Ozai's victims."_

Katara jerked awake as a loud commercial for cough medicine blasted on her speakers. "Damn newscasters put me to sleep," she muttered. She shut off the television and proceeded into the kitchen for a glass of water.

She stopped in her tracks. Food and broken jars were strewn across the floor. Cabinet doors hung limply form their hinges. All her dish towels were burnt to a crisp.

"CURSE YOU, FIRE LORD OZAI!"

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**Kindly review if you can spare a moment. Thanks to all who review last drabble. I've got a request from my good friend Espiritu del Aire for the next one and it will be very long. Ta-ta.**


	3. This is Madness: This is Iroh

**This Is Madness: This is Iroh**

_Prelude…_

"We love you, Iroh,

Oh yes we do,

We love you, Iroh,

And we'll be true,

When you're not near us,

We're blue,

Oh, Iroh, we love you."

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Iroh smiled mischievously as his younger brother climbed into the car with him. Ozai stared at him nervously. "What are you going to do?"

"Nothing," Iroh lied innocently. He unrolled his window and started to drive off.

"You're a dirty, dirty liar," Ozai accused.

"So are you," Iroh said. Truth be told, his kid brother was far worse than he was. "I'm going to teach you about girls today, Ozzy," he said.

"Shit."

"You watch that mouth or I'll stop for soap while we're out," Iroh said.

"Oh, darn," Ozai corrected sarcastically.

"Now watch and learn," Iroh said, slowing the car as they went along the street. There were people walking along the sidewalks going into the various shops. Iroh cleared his throat. "Hey, Dreamboat!" he shouted out to the curb at no one in particular.

A teenage girl turned to stare at him. Ozai thought she was rather pretty and his jaw dropped at what his brother said next.

"No, not you, Shipwreck," Iroh shouted.

As the girl prepared to throw her water bottle at the car, Iroh sped off, laughing hysterically as said water bottle smashed in the middle of the street.

"Iroh, what the hell?" Ozai demanded.

"It was fun," Iroh said.

"But that was Ursa! From school!"

Iroh frowned. "Your secret crush, yeah, she's not interested anyway," he said.

"Well not _now_," Ozai moaned. "I hate you."

"I love you too. Besides, her forehead is so big it should be called a five-head."

"Your jokes suck, dipshit."

"THAT'S IT! WE'RE BUYING SOAP!"

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_Slap-happy!_

"It's not just the way I roll. It's _because_ of my rolls."

_Insert laughter here._

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"Life is like herpes."

"Uh, Uncle?"

"QUESTION NOT THE WISDOM OF THE DIVINE KUNG-FU ACTION JESUS!"

"WTF?"

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"It's quite simple, nephew. If a² is equal to b², and b² is equal to c², then a² is equal to c²."

"This is shit, Uncle. I need to capture the Avatar to restore my honor. What is the point of all these numbers that are letters and letters that are numbers and it's all jumbled up and daddy doesn't love me."

Iroh stared hard at his nephew. "I promise you that if you learn to do this 'shit,' your daddy will love you."

"Really?"

"Uh… sure."

"Yay, daddy!"

"And by the way, I'm washing your mouth out with soap tonight, you little schmuck. Honestly, you're on a boat filled with sailors. Where do you hear this kind of language?"

"Uh…" Zuko said, thinking back to the numerous times he had heard Uncle swear when he lost at paisho. "I dunno."

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_Intermission!_

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"We now return to our regularly scheduled programming. Inside the Actor's Studio with General and Prince, Iroh."

_Click_

"Stay tuned for Iroh: Unwrapped."

_Click_

"Now you can buy your very own Iroh's Greatest Hits CD for just twenty-seven payments of $89.95.

"It's a long, long way to Ba Sing Se…"

_Click_

"And now back to Ir-uto!"

_Click_

"There is gloom and doom, while things go boom, in Iroh's Laaaaaaaaaabbbbb!"

_Click_

"Tune in to Iroh's Anatomy, tonight at 9/8 central."

_Click Click Click_

"Damn cable," Ozai muttered.

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Zuko opened the door and stared at his uncle. "Uncle, what are you doing?"

Iroh looked at his nephew sheepishly. "Um… well… I'm walking… like an… Egyptian."

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_Reprise_

"We love you, Iroh,

Oh yes we do,

We love you, Iroh,

And we'll be true,

When you're not near us,

We're blue,

Oh, Iroh, we love you."

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**To give credit where credit is due, many of these funny lines come from my awesome Latin teacher. He rocks my life. With that said, please review. I love feedback. And if all you can manage to do after this is gurgle at me insanely (been known to happen) I'll take that too. Thanks for reading. **


	4. Only When You're Dreaming

_**Only When You're Dreaming: Inside Sokka's Twisted Little Mind**_

"Eat my dust, bastard!" Sokka shouted over his shoulder.

"Oh no you didn't," Appa said.

"Oh yes I did," Sokka replied. "You'll never fly as fast as me."

"You can't even fly."

"Yes, I can."

"No, you can't."

"Can."

"Can't."

"Caaaaaaaaan," Sokka announced bursting into song. "_You've been dreaming just one thing, since you've been alive. You've been wondering just one thing, will I be a bride?_"

"But I can sing better than you can," Appa said. "Listen. _And who does mama teach to mend and clean and fix? Preparing me to marry, whoever papa picks. The daughters… the daughters. Tradition!_"

"Nope, I picked more contemporary Broadway," Sokka said. "I win."

"You sang from Beauty and the Beast," Appa argued. "You so do not win."

"Hellooooo. My dream. I always win!"

**Break**

"Oh magical giant mushroom," Sokka said. "I've been thinking."

"What is it, Sokka?"

"I really need a new hair style. I mean… warriors' wolf tails are sooooo last season."

"Good thinking," replied the magical giant mushroom.

**Break**

"Hey! Hey, Suki!" Sokka shouted.

The Kyoshi Warrior turned around looking puzzled. "What?"

"Someday told me that you had a boyfriend that looked like a girlfriend that I had in February of last year," Sokka said breathlessly.

"Having you been hitting the cactus juice again?" Suki asked.

"Oh, shit. I'm not dreaming, am I?" Sokka said.

"Don't be silly," Suki said, getting onto her unicycle and beginning to juggle her fans. "If this was a dream I would be doing something ridiculous. I always do this."

**Break**

"Sokka," Aang said. "I have something very important to tell you. You need to listen closely."

"One sec. I'm sitting on my tail," Sokka replied, adjusting said tail. "Ok, I'm ready."

"Sokka, I have some bad news. Admiral Zhao was your real father."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

**Break**

Sokka was walking down a long narrow hall. All around him, he could hear voices echoing.

_Is this the real life?_

_Is this just fantasy?_

_Caught in the landslide,_

_No escape from reality!_

_Open your eyes,_

_Look to the skies and see,_

_I'm just a poor boy,_

_I need no sympathy,_

_Cause I'm easy come,_

_Easy go,_

_Little high,_

_Little low,_

_Hit me where the wind blows,_

_Doesn't really matter,_

_To ME!!_

"Damn Bohemian Raphsody," Sokka muttered. "It gets annoying, you know."

"Absolutely," Azula replied. "Wanna make out?"

"Maybe some other time," Sokka said.

"Coolio!" Azula giggled and bounced away.

**Break**

Sokka thought he was cool. He could whistle the whistle solo in "Walk Like an Egyptian" and all the ladies loved him. He was the man. Really. He was the only man left on Earth.

**Break**

Sokka jerked awake. "Damn," he muttered. "That last dream was really nice."

"It's okay," Cher said in her deep, mellifluous voice. "Just answer one question. Do you believe in life after love?"

"Hmm… like an afterlife?" Sokka wondered aloud. "I don't know. Will there be pie?"

"Absolutely," Cher said.

"Alright then, let's go for it!"

_**Fin**_

_**Or is it?**_


	5. Dancing With the Avatar Stars

_**Dancing With the Avatar Stars**_

"Welcome to Dancing With the Avatar Stars. I'm your host, the Cabbage Man, and with me as always is the Foaming Mouth Guy. Right, Foamy?"

"Gurgle."

"Uh, right then," the Cabbage Man continued. "Now, let me introduce you to our panel of judges: Avatar Aang, Princess Azula, and Toph Bei Fong!"

The crowd cheered wildly. Only Aang smiled. Toph scowled and Azula positively sneered. She furthered her image by shouting to the audience, "I hate all of you!"

"Anyway," the Cabbage Man said tactfully, "Foamy, why don't you tell us what makes this competition so special?"

"Gurgle," said the Foaming Mouth Guy, completely transfixed by the Avatar.

"Ah, rotten cabbages," the Cabbage Man muttered. "Hey, can we get a replacement out here?"

A large Shepard's hook extended from backstage, yanking the Foaming Mouth Guy out of sight. At the same time amidst a vast amount of cheers and screams none other than Uncle Iroh ran out.

"What's so absolutely magnificent about this competition is that all our contestants are from the Avatar cast. Each couple has been trained by professionals and will perform for you tonight on live TV," Iroh said.

"Now, let's meet our contestants!" the Cabbage Man said. "First up, we have Fire Lord Ozai and Fire Lady Ursa."

"Hey!" Aang shouted gesturing wildly at Fire Lord Ozai. "I have a picture of him made out of noodles!"

Toph glanced at Azula. "Can we form a temporary truce in order to kill Aang for that?"

"Absolutely," Azula replied disdainfully.

"Hey," Iroh said. "No murdering while acting as judges. Save it for after the show!"

Toph and Azula looked intensely disappointed.

"Anyway," the Cabbage Man said smoothly. "All week, Ursa has been complaining that her husband won't stop stepping on her feet. Can they pull it together for the competition tonight? Or will their foot issues be their downfall?"

"Let's give a big warm welcome to my very own brother and his beautiful bride as they dance the difficult Ba Sing Se Waltz."

"Is that even a real dance?" Toph asked loudly.

"I have no idea," Aang replied.

"You two are so uncultured," Azula said. "Why the hell are you judges?"

"Because you hate everything," Toph said.

"You say that like it's a bad thing."

"HEY! WE'RE TRYING TO DANCE HERE!" Fire Lord Ozai shouted.

"Sorry, Father."

The music had not been playing for very long before the studio was overrun by ferocious screaming again. "DAMN YOU! I SAID STOP STEPPING ON MY FEET!"

"I AM NOT STEPPING ON YOUR GODDAM FEET!"

"THEN WHERE ARE THESE STUPID BRUISES COMING FROM, ASSHOLE? WHY DID I EVEN MARRY YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE?"

"YEAH? WELL, I DON'T KNOW WHY I MARRIED YOU!"

"I HATE YOU!"

"I HATE YOU MORE!"

The Fire Lord and Fire Lady stormed off the stage, both looking incredibly angry and disturbed. "Um…" the Cabbage Man said nervously. "While, they work out their marriage problems, why don't we move on to the next couple?"

Iroh seemed to take it all in stride. "Next up is another lovely duo. Please welcome Ty Lee and Haru!"

Ty Lee came onto the stage positively beaming. Her partner however did not. Haru stared down and his sparkling green outfit with distaste. Glitter? Why glitter? Dammit.

"Ty Lee and Haru will be dancing the traditional Fire Nation Salsa," the Cabbage Man said.

"Hey! Azula!" Ty Lee shouted waving enthusiastically at her friend. "Did you hear back from Jet?"

"Ty Lee, shut up," Azula said beginning to grow red.

"But I thought you said he made your world turn upside-down, and your knees go weak, and your heart flutter, and he made you want to do charity work, and he had an uber-sexy smile, and what was that other thing you said?"

The entire audience gaped at Azula.

"Ty Lee… just… just dance, alright?" Azula said.

Ty Lee shrugged. "Ok." She turned to face Haru and her smile faded. "I'm sorry. I can't dance with that hairy thing looking at me," she said, pointing at his mustache. "I mean, come on, you named it 'Paul.'"

"Yeah, well. I'm sick of wearing glitter," Haru said.

"Yeah, let's ditch, shall we?"

"YES!!!"

"But only if you let me shave off Paul."

"NEVER!!!"

Out of nowhere, Ty Lee produced a razor blade and began to chase Haru. They disappeared back stage, but everyone could still hear her shout, "Come on! It will only take a minute!"

The Cabbage Man looked downtrodden. "Well… this isn't working out quite the way we hoped, but we have one more couple competing tonight. Please put your hands together for Katara and Prince Zu—"

Iroh leaned over and whispered something in his ear.

"Oh… apparently Katara and Prince Zuko have gotten into an argument about whether waterbending or firebending is better and are too busy arguing to perform," the Cabbage Man said glumly.

"Well, they're both wrong," Toph said. "Earthbending is obviously better than anything else."

"Uh, no, Toph… airbending," Aang said pointedly.

"Oh please," Azula said. "Firebending is best."

"Oh, why don't you go suck face with Jet," Toph told her, making Azula's face go bright red. "Yeah, earthbenders rule."

"Fire is the best!" Iroh shouted.

"I HATE YOU ALL!" the Cabbage Man shouted. "YOU RUINED MY SHOW!"

But nobody heard him. They were too busy arguing still.

"I'M GOING BACK TO CABBAGE RETAIL!"

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**Iroh says relax… and review. **


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